I am a very musical person so I must have music all around me wherever I go even if that means I have to create the music myself by belting out a tune, humming a melody, snapping my fingers or even finding a steady rhythm in the environmental sounds all around me. They're there if you listen.
Sometimes when I'm cleaning my house or driving in my car, I hear a certain song that makes the images in my head start firing like a projector on a movie screen. We all have those songs that take our minds away to another time, another place, even another reality. Sometimes those little films in our brains are comedies, sometimes they're dramas and sometimes they're tragedies. I tend to change the channel when a song comes on that makes me think of things I'd rather not think about but every once and a while I pause...and I let my mind wander back to a place a long, long time ago when living in a city like Las Vegas was unimaginable to me. Photographic images flash one by one at lightning speed and my senses and emotions come alive to such an extent that I feel like I'm traveling back in time to whatever point in history those images are coming from.
I had the same reaction the other day when my friend, who is also from Alabama but no longer lives there, and I got together for the afternoon when she stopped to visit me on her way to California. She reads my blog and was curious about the one where I seemed to pine away for the days when I lived in Alabama. She asked me if I wanted to move back to Bama and if I ever could, would I? My answer may surprise you but the answer is that I'd rather not. I feel like I've outgrown Alabama. The truth is I never really belonged in Alabama and I am a much better version of myself when I don't live there. I never seemed to fit in anywhere. I wasn't happy. I felt isolated and imprisoned. I know that sounds very dramatic and slightly delusional but I have a very big personality. I needed to see the world and I needed to meet different kinds of people who could show me things I had never seen before.
I don't like normalcy but I also don't like being made to feel like I'm weird or abnormal just because I'm not like everybody else. I think everyone around me sensed that I was a caged tiger and as soon as I was set free I would escape and never look back. I knew I would never marry a man from Alabama or even the south for that matter because I feared that he would tie me down to a region where I didn't feel like I could be myself. I, instead, married a man who had already seen plenty of places in the world and who planned to see more. He wasn't from Alabama, the south or even this country. He had the means and the know-how to get me out of Alabama, he was gorgeous, I loved him and he loved me. Because of him, my children will never know what it's like to not be allowed to be true to themselves. I won't allow that to happen.
In Las Vegas, we see all kinds of interesting people and we adore everyone of them. Nothing fazes my kids either. We actually had a twenty-something year old woman follow us all over Lowe's all the way to the check-out counter. She didn't even purchase anything and when we drove away in our car, she drove away in hers. I still don't know what that was about but we think of that girl fondly because she was wearing a Cat Woman suit and we respect the hell out of her for that. And just the other day, Gemma said, "Mommy, I saw a lady who didn't have any pockets so she put her phone in her bra." I simply said, "Well, that was smart thinking." We all smiled and agreed that she must be very, very smart. I LOVE it here!!!
Alabama is dear to my heart and I don't regret a single thing that happened in Alabama or a single day I spent there because everything that I experienced contributed to the development of the person that I am today. My family is there, I met my husband and got married there, my father is buried there and my children were born there. It is a very special place but I won't lie. Growing up there was extremely difficult for me in a lot of ways but Alabama will always be considered my home whether I live there again or not.
I might even move back one day, a long time from now but there's other things I need to do first. I'd like to time travel and tell that scared, frustrated, bigger than life little girl in Alabama that everything is gonna be all right. She's gonna have everything she ever wanted and she's gonna be happier than she could ever imagine. I'd like to tell her to not change that channel when a song comes on that reminds of her of her trials and tribulations. I want her to listen to them. They are a reminder of everything that she's overcome and of all the lessons she's ever learned. They will remind her what a strong, determined girl she is. I want to tell her that one day, a not so long time away, she will be listening to a song that takes her back to this moment in time and she'll start smiling and shaking her head, still in disbelief at her very fortunate turn of events.
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