Living in Las Vegas: Not My Normal Blog #1

We make decisions every single day.  The little decisions should be the easiest to make because the consequences of making those decisions rarely have a major impact on the outcome of our lives.  It drives me nuts when I see people in the line at Panera Bread mentally battling over the menu choices.  Seriously? Just pick something.  If you don't like it, it doesn't matter. You have another appetite right behind that one so you'll be hungry again in like 3 hours.  Then you can choose something else and maybe you'll like that better.  This is not a life altering conundrum.  Just make a decision!!!  Actually, it must feel really nice knowing the toughest decision you'll make today is whether to get a mochaccino or a skinny vanilla latte.

Sometimes, well, quite often,  life presents us with more difficult dilemmas that require serious thought, soul searching, and contemplation.  Oh how it would be so much easier if life didn't play mind games with people, but life seems to have a very wicked sense of humor.  We really can't get around the fact that we are alive; that we are living, breathing mammals and that we are driven by evolution to continue hanging out with life until the flame of our existence ceases to burn.  Therefore, for better or worse, we are forced to play life's games. 

Life is going to do its best to test, to poke, to prod, to throw us a curve ball or lead us on a wild goose chase, and we need to be prepared to accept the challenges that life flamboyantly flicks our way. Our first relationship is with ourselves. I am trying to cultivate a positive relationship with myself so I can become my own best friend. I know that if I don't like myself then I am not going to trust a word that comes out of my mouth or a thought that pops in my head.  I have to love myself.  I have to enjoy my own company. Otherwise, I will be spending the entire day rubbing shoulders with someone I don't even like, which would be pretty damn miserable.   It would also wreak havoc on my decision making skills because people don't generally trust people they don't like.  I've encountered people who don't like themselves, and I know that they become hopelessly tragic characters who wind up eating prison burritos in Block A, Row C, Cell 4.  

I can feel life tapping me on the shoulder right now.  It's whispering in my ear, "Hey, your life has gotten too easy.  I've gotta do something to rock your world."  I brace myself and think, "Oh, crap. I better close my water tight doors before life drowns me with all these decisions that I have to make." I try to fill my day with distractions and busy myself with teaching, kids' activities, music (music is the key to my soul), and writing.  I'm even writing a musical that is written from a dog's point of view.  It's awful, but it's a wonderful diversion.  My dog, Daisy, seems to like that I sing to her all the time, and she even sings to me, too. I'm definitely her favorite human now, although I think I always have been. 

As I get older, all of these decisions become harder to make, probably because there is more at stake now. I may be going through a mini mid-life crisis even though I am technically too young for a mid-life crisis.  It's funny.  I always thought that men were the gender who are more likely to have existential entanglements around this age, but I've talked to many, many women who have reached a crossroads in their life. I think that "around 40" is the time when both men and women simultaneously review the past and ponder the future.  As we reflect on the experiences that we've had, we mull over what the next half of our lives will or should look like.  I don't know what my future will look like, but I definitely want to make the right decisions now so I'm not having this conversation with life again in ten years.  

There are so many songs that come to mind when I think about all the things that I am, that I want to be, that I should be and that I will be.  Flipping through songs on my playlist is a great distraction.  It's my favorite distraction. Every time I change the song, I can't help but notice the signs of time on my hand. When did I join the "around 40" crowd?  I look down at my hand and see the wrinkles that I remember seeing on my mother's hand and before that, my grandmother's hand.  It's the hand that has held the hand of people that I love, that has rubbed the back of a crying baby, that has written lesson plan after lesson plan, and that has caressed my daddy's cheek for the last time as he lay lifeless in his casket. 

Life, time, and decisions...so many decisions.  Maybe the person who is standing in line forever trying to figure out what to order is emotionally spent from making so many major decisions.   Maybe that person is stopping to grab a coffee after he's just signed the papers to take his mother off life support.  You never know what kind of decisions someone is agonizing over.  Maybe I should cut that person some slack.  I think the next time I'm ordering a coffee, I'll take extra time to make a decision about whether I want a peppermint mocha or a pumpkin spice latte.  Pondering that small decision while listening to "Ramble On" by Led Zeppelin might prove to be a very much needed distraction.